Itaril and the Thirteen Dwarves

05-10-2011, 01:27 PM
Haunting Spirit
Join Date: March 2011
Posts 63

Trying to remain focused on the subject of this thread -- namely, the horrifying possibility of a teenage elf-babe ninja assassin love interest in The Hobbit -- I recommend that all references to Dwarves henceforth relate in some way to the nubile female character in question. For example, one could address this topic from the point of view Snow White, a fairy tale metaphor exploited to fine comic effect in the movie Shrek, wherein the magic mirror on the wall intones:

"Just because she lives with seven other men doesn't make her easy."

Pursuing this polyandry paradigm, if Gimli the Dwarf could fall irretrievably in love with Lady Galadriel, and if seven Dwarves could cohabit with the comatose Snow White -- which suggests necrophilia as an additional operative psychology -- then why couldn't thirteen Dwarves -- including Gimli's father -- do the same in regard to a thousand-year-old elf teenager with an insatiable appetite for stocky bearded miners about to become billionaires once they figure out how to regain their lost treasure from a giant worm with really bad breath? I mean, thirteen simultaneous palimony lawsuits ought to net the amoral calculating elf-chick enough riches to buy Lord Thranduil and make him her security guard. The mind boggles at the possibilities. Like:

"Itaril and the Thirteen Dwarves"

They say that she's not easy.
They say that she is hard.
They say she likes to grapple
And wrestle in the yard.

They say she grew up fighting,
Unlike the other girls.
About her every movement,
They say that mayhem swirls.

A tomboy in the tree house,
She hangs out with the guys
Who mostly fight for money
And everything it buys.

She hasn't any scruples,
Or so we hear it said.
She'll do it for a dollar
If that gets her ahead.

Her services she'll contract
To elves or dwarves or men.
For her, there's no distinction.
Not whom. Not where. Not when.

She lusted after Filli.
She had the hots for Gloin.
The merest thought of Bombur
Caused dampness in the groin.

And so she'll fit quite nicely
Into the scripted part:
Both innocent and deadly;
The ersatz maiden tart.

Michael Murry, "The Misfortune Teller," Copyright © 2011